After the defeat of the mighty Empire, I thought it would be best to take some time and get some needed R&R. Sadly, I was sold a package holiday by a bitter tour operator who had lost a much loved Ewok who was at a salon training centre on Alderaan during one of our firing tests...
I was assured discretion in the small print - which I read twice. I have grown quite the cautious one ever since taking delivery of "Amidala Fun Bags Go Wild" on Drk-Ray (Vader has his gloves in a lot of pies). Sadly, it turned out the name was just as popular with Jawas and the aforementioned name was not linked to the hot senator, but a three foot sand rat in a hooded two-piece and kitten heels. The sailor in the photo was charged to the room bill. For the record, I had in fact placed an order for a Twi'lek woman...
...Turns out the sailor cost me more than I bargained for, and having failed to learn my lesson I soon found myself in the company of a member of the Vigilante 8 gang. My stance says it all. Thereafter, everything has become a blur. If you have seen any further photographic evidence of my journey, please let me know. And no, he didn't. I'd sooner kiss a Wookiee...
Disco Sid was none too impressed with my rejection. To cut a long story short, I had to prove the Wookiee part. That led to the below drink which turned out to in fact be "a form of apple juice".
I drank several of these which somehow led to me meeting two rather wonderful "ladies". I am not sure at which point I broke strict Imperial code and allowed one of them to test my helmet. In my defence, I thought she meant something else...
They said they loved me. Sadly, after three more "apple juices" and a questionable act called the Sand Crawler I came to be down one wallet and at the unpleasant company of their yellow-clad friend in the background (the official colour of his threads is Naboo N-1 starfighter).
Apparantly he had never heard of the Imperial code book. This would have never happened when Jabba was alive (Sith rest his soul). He at least had standards.
Several "juices" later the Imperial code book went out the window. The hot one on the right turned out to be crazy and/but quite good with a blaster. I also somehow let her hold my rifle - she said she was a princess and I got all confused. I had more apple juice. The cute one on the left told me she could see to my Tie Fighter (which was suffering some mechanical issues caused by a mynock). The work looked like it would run up quite a bill but she said we could come to an arrangement. I saw no wookiee nearby and agreed. She even bought me another apple juice...
I want to say the princess was about to beg for mercy. Ironically, it was I who found myself uttering those words...
By Obi-wans beard, the force was strong with this one...
...I later had doubts regarding the validity of the "apple juice" and the intergrity of my remaining good eye...
In her defense she got the Tie Fighter running like a Bothan with sensitive data, and she was none too shabby with her 'tache either. As for the hand gesture, well, let me tell you she was like a skilled vet on a farm. She folded me like a taco and said something really funny about, "that's no moon!". You kind of had to be there. A part of me wishes I wasn't.
With the Tie Fighter able to travel further than Obi wan's dead soul I set off for somewhere less vigourous. Where I landed was here...
This Corelian was seriously on the apple juice. He thought I was Boba Fett and tried to start up where they had previously left off. He showed me his 'freighter'. And somehow I showed him my cargo hold... I intend to find that Fett and have a strong word with him. In addition, I plan to write a stern letter to the apple juice manufacturer. Also, I want to die.
No, you are not seeing things. Turns out that lightning does indeed strike twice. In this case literally. Having not yet recovered from the previous entertainment mixup with a Twi'lek woman and a sailor, I found myself in the nightmarish scenario of being in the company of his twin brother. It was particularly disheartening to me when he said regarding his brother, "anything he can do I can do better". As I hazily recall, his brother did many things - though around a single 'theme'. In his defence, Sailor 2 was better for want of a word but left my sack (of cash) empty... I should point out that my stance is neither for jaunty effect, or B-Boy coolness - rap gestures won't help you here. If anyone offers you a reach-around - decline. And, no, I am not a little short for a stormtrooper. Sailor 2 is long. Tall...
I was given this photo by a Bothan of all people sympathic to the imperial cause. I feel it important to show you as upon reflection, this was the state of affairs just prior to her mentioning anything about her employer or what a Sand Crawler was in the 'business' lingo. The orange glow behind me is not one of the twin suns of Tatooine.
They say you should never work with bounty hunters... I should have known trouble was coming with this creep when he whispered in my helmet, "May the force be in you?" Well, I'm no jedi scum and I said "I'm strictly darkside". IT COULD be that he mis-understood me and introduced me to a very drunk Lando Calrissian. We drank more and he accepted a bet from some guy about how fast he could make the Kessel Run. I think the smooth moustached gentleman thought he was gambling on how fast he could make a "kestrel" run. He lost a rather fast ship based on that mis-understanding.
Now, as a stormtrooper to the Empire it is my duty to safeguard the lives of its people and those under our rule, ehum... So this guy, I am not ashamed to tell you - I shot him. He was the sleeeeziest bounty hunter I have ever known. He had the Miami burger meat chest, and his moustache smelled of queef and Huttess. He ran a 'dating' agency of the most questionable standards. He also found nothing wrong with recording the events of those dates for 'Training and Teaching' purposes. I saw a tape of IG88 using his head for something I cannot even speak to you about. I actually aged. Here's the picture just before I administered justice. He had just issued me with a Juicy Double (which I am not comfortable to talk about) and offered to buy me an apple juice. Well, I just snapped at that point and shot both of them clean off him right there and then. Yeh, he was THAT wrong...
This is Stormtrooper Stii signing off. May the Force be with you.
